The Pop-Up Ads in My Brain

This was not a good weekend for me. The weird part is, parts of it were good. I did soccer. I went to lunch with my daughter. My son had plans. I laughed. I functioned. I looked fine.

That’s kind of the point.

I have PTSD. For a long time, mine was described as medical PTSD. Then this year I was in a car accident with a tractor trailer and genuinely thought I might die. I saw something that said, “Having PTSD is like having pop-up ads in your brain for a horror movie that’s based on a true story.” And honestly, yes.

I think people sometimes hear PTSD and immediately think of combat. But trauma doesn’t only happen in war. It can come from medical emergencies, accidents, and moments where your brain and body genuinely believed you weren’t safe.

And sometimes PTSD doesn’t look dramatic. Sometimes it’s panic. Sometimes it’s anger. Sometimes I lose my words. And sometimes I’m doing all the normal things — being a mom, showing up, laughing, getting everyone where they need to be — while internally I am completely done.

I want to be here. I want my life. Sometimes I just want to disappear from the responsibility of holding everything together. A hotel room. My phone off. Nobody needing dinner, a ride, an answer, a decision, or anything from me. Just quiet.

This morning I woke up feeling a little more hopeful. Not fixed. Just a little lighter. And right now, I’ll take that.

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