Climbing Out, One Step at a Time

I think I need to start carrying around a disclaimer: Before we continue this conversation, please know that I probably mean well. I may say something stupid. I may make a joke that doesn't land. I may use the wrong words. Please refer to the previous however-many years of knowing me before determining that I am secretly an asshole. Because lately, I feel like I spend an incredible amount of time explaining myself. This isn't about one person or one conversation. It's happening in friendships, volunteer work, family, life. I'll say something, someone takes it differently than I meant it, and suddenly I'm explaining what I meant, what I didn't mean, why I said it, and most importantly, that I wasn't trying to hurt anyone. Then, because I'm me, I replay the whole thing. Could I have worded it better? Probably. Should I have said it at all? Maybe not. Did I have some secret malicious intention underneath it? Jesus Christ, no. And that's the part I'm...

I read something about Alfred Nobel recently that I haven't been able to stop thinking about. The story goes that a newspaper mistakenly published his obituary while he was still alive. He got to read how the world would remember him. Can you imagine? Most of us don't get that opportunity. But in a strange way, I feel like I have. I've had three experiences in my life where things could have ended very differently. Three moments that have forced me, in one way or another, to understand that being here isn't something I get to take completely for granted. And lately, I've realized I'm thinking less about what I want to accomplish and more about what I want to leave behind. I'm building my legacy. That sounds incredibly dramatic when I write it out. Like I should be commissioning a statue or naming a library after myself. I am doing neither. I'm talking about the little stuff. How my kids will remember me. Whether they knew, without question, that I showed...

Second and First I was my mother’s first child and my father’s second. It sounds like a completely insignificant fact when you say it out loud. A line on a family tree. A technicality. Except I’m starting to realize it probably shaped a whole lot more of me than I ever gave it credit for. For my mom, I was the first. The first pregnancy. The first baby. The first time someone handed her an actual human being and essentially said, “Okay, good luck.” Every milestone was new. Every fever was probably terrifying. Every decision carried the weight that only first-time parents understand because there was absolutely no evidence yet that the kid would, in fact, survive childhood. I was the experiment. Sorry, Mom. But I was also the one who made her a mother. There’s something really special about that relationship. Your first child is the person you learn motherhood on. You grow up together in a strange way. The child is becoming a person while the mother is becoming a mother. And then there ...

People often tell me I'm a strong advocate. What they don't see are the moments when I don't feel strong at all. Lately, I've found myself wondering why everything feels so much harder than it used to. Why answering one more email feels impossible. Why volunteering, something I genuinely care about, suddenly feels heavy instead of energizing. Then it hit me. I've been in the trenches for a long time. Advocating for a child with additional needs isn't something you do a few times a year. It's a way of life. It's learning the laws, preparing for meetings, reading evaluations, asking difficult questions, celebrating small victories, and wondering what was missed. It's constantly looking ahead to the next hurdle before you've even had a chance to catch your breath from the last one. You fight because your child deserves it. You fight because no one knows your child the way you do. And sometimes... you get tired. Not because you've stopped caring....

  Lately, I've found myself asking a simple question. Why? Why do I volunteer? Why do I spend evenings working on projects that don't come with a paycheck or a title that really means anything? Why do I keep saying "yes" when life already feels full? For a while, I wasn't sure of the answer. I started wondering if I was just keeping myself busy. If I was filling every free moment because that's what I'd always done. Maybe I needed to step back. Then today happened. I found myself surrounded by people who care deeply about their families and their community. As I listened to conversations and watched people connect, something clicked. My volunteer work isn't about the committees, the planning, the emails, or the events. It's about the people. It's about seeing someone leave a little more hopeful than when they arrived. It's about helping someone find a resource they didn't know existed. It's about creating a space where people feel s...