The Fog After the Storm

Some days I wake up in a legitimate fog.

And I don't mean tired. I don't mean I need another cup of coffee or didn't sleep enough. I mean fog. Like my brain is there, but I can't quite get to it.

Today is one of those days.

It's rainy and gray outside, which honestly feels pretty appropriate because that's about what it looks like inside my head too.

Yesterday was completely different.

Yesterday I was full of rage. Anger. Hurt. Frustration. All of it. I had SO much to say, except half the time I couldn't actually say any of it. I knew what I was feeling. I could feel it everywhere. But trying to turn those feelings into actual sentences? Forget it.

And then I wake up today and...

Nothing.

Completely blank.

I've blamed this on PTSD before. Maybe that's what it is. Maybe it's being overwhelmed. Maybe my brain just hits a point where it's like, Okay, that's enough out of you for a minute.

I really don't know.

What I do know is that I've figured out something that helps me when my brain gets like this: I talk.

I just start talking.

Sometimes it makes absolutely no sense. I repeat myself. I contradict myself. I start a sentence without knowing where I'm going with it. I say, "I don't know," approximately 47 times.

But eventually, somewhere in all of that rambling, I find it.

The thing I'm actually trying to say.

It's basically become my version of journaling. I've never been great at sitting down with a blank page and thoughtfully writing out my feelings. Apparently I prefer to verbally dump everything out in one giant pile and sort through it afterward.

And weirdly, it works.

Sometimes I find the anger underneath the sadness. Sometimes I realize I'm hurt when I thought I was pissed off. Sometimes I realize something that happened three days ago is actually what's bothering me today.

And sometimes?

Nothing.

Sometimes it's just fog.

I think I'm learning that I don't have to understand every single feeling the second I'm having it. I don't have to immediately turn it into a lesson or figure out why my brain decided today was the day it was going to check out.

Maybe yesterday was just a lot.

Maybe today my brain needs a minute.

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