Functionally Mute

Functionally Mute

Functioning isn't the same thing as feeling okay.

There is so much of my time that I spend functionally mute.

I have the words. They are all there, mentally lined up and ready to go. I know what I need to say. I know what I need to do. But I can't make myself move. I can't get the words out. I just sit there.

It feels like total-body paralysis.

There are projects I need to handle. Phone calls I need to make. Paperwork, appointments, insurance, replacing my car... every task feels bigger than it should. I look at the list, and instead of starting somewhere, I become completely overwhelmed.

Frozen.

Since the accident, I've realized that trauma doesn't always look the way people expect it to.

Sometimes it looks like going to work every day. Taking care of your kids. Making dinner. Smiling through conversations. Answering emails. Crossing things off your to-do list.

From the outside, it probably looks like you're doing just fine.

In many ways, I am.

I keep showing up. I handle what needs to be handled. I keep moving because life doesn't stop.

But functioning isn't the same thing as feeling like yourself.

Buying a replacement car has brought up emotions I wasn't expecting. Every search, every dealership, every decision is a reminder that my life changed in an instant.

I shouldn't have to be replacing my car.

I shouldn't have to spend my time rebuilding something I wasn't expecting to lose.

And I'm angry.

Not because I don't appreciate moving forward, but because moving forward is hard when you're still trying to process what happened.

The hardest part is that people don't always see it.

They see the version of me that keeps everything together. They don't see the moments where I sit in silence because my brain simply refuses to take the next step. They don't see how overwhelming even simple tasks can feel.

Lately, I don't feel like myself.

I feel overwhelmed.

I feel disconnected.

I feel stuck between wanting to move on and not quite knowing how.

Functionally mute.

Maybe writing these words is one small step toward finding my voice again. ❤️

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